Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Getting over it

Tomorrow is William's 2nd birthday. It's amazing how much has happened in our little World of Doink in such a short time - birth(s), death, job changes, learning how to be a parent... I never could have predicted many of the events of the past 2 years.

While the family birthday party we had for William tonight was really nice, I felt my Mom's absence. A little less than last year, but her not being there was present for me. Tom's parents, and my Dad and step-mom all were in town to help celebrate, but I felt a little like I was lying or dishonoring my Mom when I told William that all his "Nanas and Papas" were here to celebrate his birthday. There was a "Nana" missing.

My mom drove me crazy in lots of ways - narcisstic, long-winded, unorganized, neurotic - but she was also able to listen deeply, made great potato salad, was very funny, and loved me to pieces. I wouldn't want her back here in the state she was in when she died, but I miss the wonderful and unique things about her often.

Since William's arrival and my Mom's departure on earth happened so close to each other, I wonder if I won't always feel some sadness at this time of year. It's a joyous time - marking the birth of my first child, my becoming a mom, adding William to our family - and it's tinged with the memories of all that was hard and terrible about my Mom's death.

It seems expected that we 'get over' grief so quickly in this culture, but if I've learned anything over the past 2 years about grief, it's that it is an amorphous and tricky feeling... it will sneak up on you at inconvenient times as much as it will at times that you expect it (or not, then to surprise you later).

I'm not sure you ever 'get over' losing your mom.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Things I never thought I'd say

Phrases I have actually said to William in the past year:

Don't eat the house numbers.

Don't climb in the dishwasher.

Don't lick the cat.